


(with my head in my hands) i sit and cry

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Coming Back As We Are [5]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, But it's not obvious, Depression, Episode: s04e04 The Break Up, Graphic Description, Introspection, M/M, POV Blaine, POV Kurt, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5184113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened the night after Blaine 'confessed' to cheating?</p><p>Translation in Russian <a href="https://ficbook.net/readfic/4393371">Here</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	(with my head in my hands) i sit and cry

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Don't Speak" by No Doubt.  
> Lyrics below are from the same song.

_"His thoughts came faster and darker and more painful and suddenly he wanted to retch, to vomit, to empty his stomach out until nothing remained, until the guilt and shame were all gone. Instead he stood there, watching as Kurt's eyes filled with tears, still as a statue while the disgusting sour sting of bile rose in his throat, threatening to choke him. He welcomed it, actually. That would be a fitting end to his miserable life, wouldn't it? To die rejected and unloved by the only person who'd ever shown him love?_

Lash out, Kurt. Tell me to go die in a hole.  **Tell me to die.**  Please, please just give me this one small mercy. Release me from my misery.

_But Kurt didn't answer Blaine's unspoken plea. He just let out a small, shaky breath and curled his arms around himself, which only killed Blaine a bit more inside because he knew Kurt, knew every one of his tics and secret fears and could read them well. He knew that this one breath, this one movement, was a sign that Kurt was breaking inside, and Blaine had no idea what he should do next, how he should handle the situation. He knew he had hurt Kurt, but he also knew that if he could leave now that soon enough Kurt would start to forget about him and heal and move on, even if Blaine went about the rest of his life with agony behind his smile and a broken heart and the throbbing pain of his parents' words echoing through his brain. Blaine would stay stuck in the past while Kurt could chase his dreams and find his soul mate, another beautiful, talented man just like Kurt who would fully appreciate exactly what kind of perfection he was getting._

_But before he could figure out anything Kurt turned and walked away, singing under his breath. Anyone would have passed it off as just Kurt being Kurt, but Blaine could see the ever-familiar line of his shoulders quaking with sobs, the normally clear, balanced tone of his singing voice broken and rasping with grief._

_For the first time that night, a sliver of doubt reached the dark, dark corner of Blaine's heart where he kept his belief that Kurt would be better off without him._

_What if...just maybe...Blaine had been wrong?"_

-from _everything i gave you_

 

Don't speak

I know what you're saying

Please just stop explaining

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Kurt stares at Blaine incredulously, not believing what he’s hearing at first. But then Blaine goes on, the remains of the tears tracks beneath his eyes, and it begins to sink in.

Blaine, the boy he had thought was his forever, _cheated_  on him.

He “hooked up” with someone.

Those words are so callous, so unfeeling. How could Blaine, the most genuine, loving, kind person he knows have “hooked up” with someone like a sophomore year Santana or Puck?

“You weren’t answering your phone calls.”

“I was lonely and you weren’t there.”

Those aren’t excuses. They _can’t_  be. Kurt wouldn’t have done that if Blaine hadn’t answered the phone for him, he knows he wouldn’t have because he _knows_  that what they have-had, now- is special. Well, it was to him, at least.

He doesn't speak- he _can't_ speak. He can only stare as Blaine stumbles through a confession, an apology that should never have had to be made.

"And I'm...I am really sorry."

No. Kurt can't stand here and watch as Blaine does this, lets this happen. He turns his back on Blaine, his heart breaking, and wraps his arms around himself. Suddenly, now that he has no one at his side, the fall chill of the city seems so much worse.

As he walks away from the only person who has ever truly understood him, an older song begins to play in his head. He sings quietly along, his heart breaking with each word.

_"It looks as though you're letting go_

_And if it's real_

_Well I don't want to know..."_

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

As soon as Kurt leaves, as soon as Finn and Rachel are gone, Blaine takes a few shaky, trembling steps over to the bench and slumps down onto the metal seat. He buries his face in his hands and sobs, letting out every captive emotion he couldn’t let Kurt see.

It hurts. It hurts _so much_. Every breath, every ragged, desperate sob is painful. They tear the breath from his throat, snatch the air from his lungs.

He's dying. He has to be. _Please, tell me I'm dying,_ he silently begs the world, but then his breathing eventually calms down against his will, the tears drying up. He's empty- he has nothing left to give.

It's all ending

I gotta stop pretending who we are...

Blaine walks into the loft and finds the soft hum of music in the air. He recognizes the song- Kurt, Finn, and Rachel are all singing _Don’t Speak_. Something must have happened between Finn and Rachel as well. He vaguely remembers Rachel dueting with another guy before _Teenage Dream_ , but it hadn’t registered at important. It still doesn’t- his brain processes the fact, but all he can focus on is the song dying off and the sound of Kurt’s sniffles in his “room” now.

He walks slowly to Kurt’s curtained-off partition, his limbs heavy and eyes holding back tears. He’d thought that he’d gotten out all of his tears earlier and that he had finally gone numb, but now he can barely contain his pain. He wants to cry and vomit and then cuddle with Kurt to relieve the cloying despair but he can’t. Not anymore.

He walks in and lays down gingerly in bed next to Kurt, every bone empty and aching with the need to reach out and seek comfort, but he has lost that right tonight with his words, with his actions and deeds. He's broken something he can't fix, something he doesn't have the right to try to heal, and he knows he will never ever be whole again.

He hears Kurt sniffling on the far side of the bed and it tears at his heart. But he knows that someday Kurt's heart will mend, and though it doesn't help much it does provide a shred of relief for the agony building inside. If only he had some sort of guarantee for himself- no, he can't. Kurt will hold his heart and all its withered, ruined contents until Blaine dies; he knows that as certainly as he knows that the earth revolves around the sun.

As soon as Kurt falls into a fitful sleep Blaine slips out of bed, runs to the bathroom, and vomits, emptying the bile and acid that has built in his throat into the porcelain bowl. His tears, previously held somewhat back, flow unchecked into the putrid mixture below, salt mixing with acid. It hurts but he deserves it. He will take this, this never being normal, this constant hovering on the edge of sanity and a vomit-and-tear-coated toilet, if it means Kurt gets a better chance.

He stares at himself in the mirror, small sobs still making his throat convulse, and surveys how horrible he looks. He knows that he looks wrecked, like someone suffering some kind of physical disease. His face is blotchy and streaked with tears and the remnants of vomit dot his lips. He grabs some toilet paper and wipes his lips off, trying to regain some sense of normality, but he can't quite pull it off.

He looks like a wreck because that is what he is, and nothing can change that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave kudos/give comments. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!


End file.
